Top ten things I know now & wish I could go back and teach my younger self.

Today, I'm 40. It's a weird feeling. I feel like I should feel different, and on some level I guess I do. I was afraid that had I not reached those milestones you set for yourself--owning a house, saving for my children's college, learning how to file my own taxes, losing weight, starting an exercise routine, or saving for retirement, that 40 would bring with it a sense of dread. The realization that time is marching on whether I'm ready or not. That I'm no longer considered a "girl" or even a "gal". Now I'm a woman. I now shop in the "women's" section at the department store, and can officially say that trying to bat my eyelashes to get out of a ticket or paying for drinks gets me nowhere. But, instead, I feel calm acceptance. A state of grace that comes with the passing of time when you know "it's never too late" and "the world won't end if I never learn the difference between a W-2 and a W-4." Today, I care more about loving those I love the very best I can, and I only need to worry about being the person I aspire to be--not who anyone else wants me to be. I'm no longer afraid to voice my opinion, I fight for what's fair, and I can't afford to waste my time with anything less that what I want. So what are the lessons my 40 year old self would tell my 20 year old self?

• You don't have to be afraid of what will happen to you if your boyfriend finds out who you really are. You should be afraid of what will happen to you if he never finds out.

• It's not adorable to pretend to be stupid. Hold your head up high and prove everyone wrong.

• It's far more rewarding to be kind than to be proud.

• If you do would only do something if you were certain that your father and your sons would never find out about it, don't do it. They will find out. They always find out.

• It's okay to say "No." You don't have to go along with the group, trade days off with someone, or agree to take care of your sister's cat for two weeks while she goes to St. Tropez. Embrace the phrase, "I would love to, but, ___."

• Likewise, if you want something, speak up! Ask for what you want. Defend yourself and your conscience. If you don't, who will?

• Remember all those nice guys you ignored or broke up with so you could snag a bad-boy? One of them is the perfect man. Return his calls, agree to a date, tell him your secrets. You'll remember that when you were 9 1/2 you wanted to be a princess, now you are.

• Never stay in a relationship because you're afraid to be alone. Being alone isn't forever. It's being where Prince Charming can find you. Now, I can honestly say that I'm not afraid to be alone. I prefer having a partner,  but we both know that if it ended tomorrow, I would be okay. Our relationship is a gift we work on every day. Never take it for granted.

• Spend time with your parents. Call your mom more often. Tell them how much you love them every chance you get. Ask the things you'll wonder about when they're gone. What was your favorite movie when you were young? What did you do when you found out your were pregnant with me? What were YOUR grandparents like?

• Finally....it's never to early to moisturize.

What would you tell your younger self? Got a question or comment? Need help with something? Leave me a note down below and subscribe.

Adapting to change

They say the only thing that is constant is change. Which is most unfortunate since most of us don't like change. We'd rather remain stagnant in our little pool of mediocrity than to step out into an unknown ocean, with its endless possibilities, because although we might sail beautifully, there's also the chance we could sink.

Change is all around us, some good and some less than ideal. Maybe your department at work has been merged with another department as a result of downsizing and you've lost seniority. Now you have a different boss and a larger workload. Or maybe they've created several teams within each department, and you're now a team leader--not a manager, just a team leader. This is a real challenge because you have more responsibility,  more accountability, but zero authority. If you can prove yourself, you might receive a promotion in a year. If you fail, you face possible layoff.

So how do we learn to embrace change? First, we must face the fact that the change is occurring, whether we get on board with it or not. Remembering that the quickest way to our destination is the path of least resistance; it makes sense that the less we resist a change, the easier it will be.

Second, let's take a mental inventory. Yes, things are changing--but how are you truly affected? Make a list of all the things that are changing, then let's go back and categorize those things to pros and cons. Now, let's look at the cons and see if there are ways to turn them into pros. Are you worried about having a new boss because your old boss let you take a long, late, lunch on Tuesdays to pick your daughter up from school because your mother, who usually takes care of her, has physical therapy that day? Well, nip it in the bud, ask your new boss if you can continue to have this small concession in your schedule and assure her you always make up the time and get your work done. Chances are it won't be a problem, but if it is, it's better to find out as early as possible so you have time to find an alternative solution. Maybe a neighbor or another parent at school could give her a ride? Maybe you find an Über or private transport service that can do regular pick-ups. There are ALWAYS options out there for any caveat, you just have to get creative and think outside the box.

Finally, let's try to see the positives in the situation. Using the example above, perhaps you've had some ideas of how you can stay more organized. Or you may even have ideas of how to improve the processes in your office, increase profits or lower costs that you just haven't had an opportunity to put it in place. As a team leader this could be your chance. Go talk to your boss and run your ideas past her and ask if you could try them within your team. The worst she can do is say "no", but even if she does, that's only one opportunity.  How you handle yourself might show how you deal with setbacks. This could prove to be a stepping stone toward advancement down the line. For now, you just continue to do your best and wait for another opportunity to present itself.

Is the change you're faced with less significant than that? Consider yourself lucky!  Maybe you're being forced to give up your office in favor of a cubicle "to increase efficiency". There are still little things you can do to change your outlook on a situation that's out of your control. Take some time to clean up your desk, buy yourself some new colorful pencil cups, file stackers, staplers, and a pillow to put in your chair to suport your back. Bring in new pictures of your kids, tape affirmations all around your cubicle. Make your space (the one thing that is still in your control) yours again. Take ownership of it. Remind yourself that your job need not define you. It's what you do in order to have the life you want with your family, your friends, and your sanctuary after 5:00.

This process applies to nearly any situation; divorce, unemployment, illness, empty nest, financial hardships and more. Accept the change, take your inventory, decide what you can control and go for it, let go of what you can't, but find ways to change your perspective and remember what's really important. Change is all around us, it's inevitable, but we are in control of ourselves. We can make the choice to not be a victim of circumstance, but to accept the challenge fate has dealt us, and rise from the ashes like a phoenix.

Brightest Blessings,

Jenifer

I'd love to know how you've handled a big change in your life.

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Dusting yourself off after failure or disappointment

We've all seen it. After years of training, an Olympic hopeful has a once in a lifetime disaster. At the Barcelona games in 1992, runner Derek Redmond tore his hamstring in the 400 meters semi-final and collapsed to the ground in excruciating pain. At the Sochi games of 2014, Russian cross-country skier,  Anton Gafarov, took a nasty spill, breaking his left ski into pieces. He tried to get up but the mangled mess of wood and plastic made it absolutely impossible for him to finish. In front of their families, their teammates, and the world, these athletes watched as their dreams of gold were shattered into a million pieces. 

But this level of disappointment, the kind that comes out of nowhere, affects more than just Olympic athletes. Such as: After three rounds of interviews, two aptitude tests and a complete background check you get passed over for your dream job for someone far less qualified or after trying to get pregnant for months, you go o a fertility doctor only to discover that you're not able to. You're devastated. You feel as if everything you ever wanted just evaporated in front of you. You wonder if you'll ever land a job that great or if you can learn to accept that you won't be able to experience those precious moments of early motherhood your friends have told you about; like feeling it kick, and watching in amazement as you see it appear on screen for the first time during an ultrasound. 

While you're watching the heartbreaking defeat of those Olympians, feeling as though you want to reach through the TV and personally give each one a hug and some comfort, something unexpected happens. With thousands of cameras flashing, Derek Redmond's father appeared on the track, picked his son up off the ground, and together they limped across the finish line--in last place. Who could forget Canadian ski coach, Justin Wadsworth's quick thinking, as he came to Anton Gafarov's aid with a new ski and helped him get into it? Then Gafarov, like Redmond, was able to hold his head up high and cross the finish line. Though the aspirations of standing on the podium, singing their country's national anthem while being adorned with that precious medal were gone, few would argue that in those moments true courageous champions were forged.

So, what can we learn from these inspiring athletes experiences? Well, no matter how well you prepare yourself, there are times in life when you lose for no reason at all. As our parents used to say, "Sometimes life isn't fair." But it's how we handle defeat that builds character. We have two choices. We can give up...OR we can pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and try again. How do we do this? You could contact the person you interviewed with at the prospective employer's office and ask them if there was a specific skill you lacked that made them choose another candidate so you could work on it for future opportunities. You never know if he might tell you, "We need someone with experience working with non-profits." So you call a bunch of nonprofits until you find one who has a volunteer position available. You begin volunteering there a few day a week, while continuing your job search. Through a contact at the nonprofit, you learn about an opportunity even better than the one you were passed over for--and you land it!  Or, maybe your fertility doctor puts you in touch with a surrogacy agency and you find a lovely woman to carry a child with both you and your husband's DNA. You both get to be present for the birth, after it's born you fall madly in love him. As soon as you get that beautiful bundle home, you realize that what was lost during the nine months of gestation suddenly doesn't seem as important as you hold your little miracle in your arms.

Next time life knocks you down, and you have the choice of quitting, or picking yourself up; get up and finish the race. If you haven’t quit, you haven’t lost. Life goes on and we must realize what a blessing that really is. Although it might not end up being exactly what you imagined, it just might be even better; and you'll never know until you try.

What's the biggest disappointment you've endured? How did you manage to overcome it? Leave your answer in the comment section down below. 

Much love, 

Jenifer

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*The comments made here are in no way meant to take the place of medical advice from your doctor. If you’re having severe depression you should call 911 or contact the National Substance Abuse and Mental Health Support Administration (SAMHSA) at 1-800-662-HELP (4357). 

Reduce Emotional Clutter to lower anxiety

Yesterday, I talked about how toxic people at your workplace really affect your overall emotional health. But, what if the toxic person you have to co-exist with is closer to home? It could be a sibling, friend, child, parent, spouse or significant other, or--(Gasp!) you. This presents a more challenging conundrum because your home is supposed to be your sanctuary. The place you can seek refuge when the harsh realities of the world have knocked you down.

How do you know if someone in your life is toxic? Well, this is probably different for everyone, but for me, I look at how I feel after spending time with that person. Am I agitated? Mentally exhausted? Am I already thinking of excuses to get out of spending time with them tomorrow? But, how do you go about ridding your self of the emotional clutter that results from being around a toxic person? You obviously care about that person. You don't want to hurt their feelings. This needs to be addressed delicately, no doubt, but addressed none the less. Most people have a very hard time accepting criticism (I know I do) but you have a right to speak up and whether or not they can accept it is their decision, not yours. How do we do this?

• I strongly believe that it is better to be direct with someone rather than placating them by wrapping your criticism up in flowers. It doesn't change the meaning of what you're saying, but it does imply that you've already judged how they will handle it and the answer is "poorly". So the first thing to do is, simply make a request. "Would you mind if we talk about something else? I'm not really comfortable getting into all of that." It might take them by surprise but at least it's out there. 
• If the toxic person is poisoning their own life as well as yours, you might have to be a little more tactful and assertive. If you have a friend who is in a verbally abusive relationship, but refuses to leave the guy, or maybe your best friend is trapped in a dead end job but after months of complaining hasn't even updated her resume, it can be downright maddening. In this case, you are a co-dependent and it is essential that you break that cycle immediately. Try something like, "Lori, I care about you so much, and I think you know that I think you deserve someone so much better than Frank. I've told you that if you leave him, you could stay with me and I would help you any way I can. But, you're an adult and can make your own decisions. However, I must insist that if you choose to stay, we just can't talk about him anymore because it just hurts me too much. We can talk about anything else, just not that." If you think her partner is or could possibly turn to physical violence, you must let your friend know that if there is physical violence then you will have no choice but to call the police. And make good on that promise if necessary. You might lose her friendship but save her life. 
• What if the toxic person is "moi"?? How do you know if you are toxic to yourself and sabotaging your own happiness? Well, I have found that one way is to take an inventory. Does it seem like EVERYONE and EVERYTHING around you is unfair, against you, or does it seem like you can never catch a break? If so, you might have to admit that there is one common denominator and that's you. Holding grudges, keeping "score" with someone else, being judgmental or gossipy,  and being too hard on yourself (okay, so you had a little too much to drink at your cousin's wedding and ended up pole dancing on the arbor, it will be forgotten by Christmas) are all ways that we are toxic to ourselves. These things muck up the pathways for positive energy to flow in or out. Instead, let go of a mistake you made yesterday. Just learn from it and move forward. For instance, you can start exercising tomorrow. So, all the ladies in your department went out to dinner and didn't invite you; does it mean they hate you? Probably not. Get over it. Your husband forgot that he promised to come home early enough to watch the kids so you could make your 4:00 hair appointment. Is it because he is insecure and doesn't want you getting too beautiful because you might cheat on him? (Really??) Do you now freeze him out for the next 5 days? Who "wins" if that happens? No one. Let it go. 

Removing toxic people from our lives is only one way to get rid of the emotional clutter in your life. Explore other areas of your life to determine which ones might be filling up with emotional clutter. Then it will be time to "clean house". You'll end up with less stress, less anxiety, and feeling like a huge weight is taken off your shoulders. 

What are some areas of your life where you're building up emotional clutter? How do you reduce it? Put your answer in the comments below. 

Brightest Blessings, 

Jenifer

Have a question or problem you need help with? Fill out the "Contact Me" section on the left, or leave a comment down below.

Workplace Stress Part 2

Yesterday, we started looking at some of the things that stress us out at work, that too often spill over to the other aspects of our lives. Today we're going to take a look at another very big source of stress at the workplace.

• Passive/Aggressive Boss or Trouble-making coworker - You would think that by the time we're all adults, people wouldn't insist on acting like children anymore. Unfortunately, that's not the world we live in. When it comes to miserable people to work with, these are the worst. The passive aggressive boss won't give you constructive criticism when you ask, "I was working on that report you asked me to do, would you mind taking a look at it?" Instead he says, "Well, if I had time to work on it, I would have done it myself, wouldn't I?" So you turn it in as-is and you get a note the next day that says, "This is full of errors. Please correct and send back." The other kind of toxic person to work with is the trouble maker coworker. They take credit for your work. Blame you when they get in trouble for forgetting to take the proposal to the printer for binding. They kiss up to the boss and then gossip about EVERYONE when the boss is not around. You know this person. Unfortunately, it's a little harder to fix this one because most of it is out-of-your-control. What you can do is start documenting everything. If your boss gives you a snide remark, brush it off with a little humor, "I know how busy you are, and I wish I had a magic wand to transfer some of your experience into my brain but I would really appreciate just a few minutes of your time." If he still won't help you, it's time to document your request with date, time, & what was said. Once you have a list, you can go to his boss or your HR person and tell them you have a sensitive problem that you need help with but need to speak in strict confidence. Show your list and see what they say. Maybe 2 other people already complained and that was the straw that broke the camel's back and the boss gets fired. Maybe they can transfer you to another department. Maybe nothing will change. But at least you will know you stepped up and stood up for yourself and now you get to decide what your next move is. When it comes to a toxic coworker, repeat above steps, and go talk to HR if you must. If the gossiping is preventing you from getting your work done, politely ask if they could take their conversation to another area or put on earphones, or find a quiet area to move your desk to and let your manager know that you would like to move your desk and why. 

Now, not every problem can be easily solved. There are tons more things that happen at work--angry customers, computer malfunctions, or accidentally breaking wind in front of your boss. But, the key is to calmly assess which things you can or can't change. If you carefully and methodically work on changing the things that are in your control, it might make those other pesky things seem a bit more manageable. You will feel empowered once you've taken control of your own happiness. That power will carry over to other aspects of your life and it might be contagious and spread an air of optimism and happiness to those around you. You can do it! I know you can! 

Jenifer

If you missed yesterdays post, you can read it by clicking here: Be Your Best U - Workplace Stresses Pt 1

Have a question or problem you need help with? Fill out the "Contact Me" section on the left, or leave a comment down below. 

Workplace Stress

As my first "official" post on this blog, I thought a great place to start would be a common source of stress in one's life and that is in the workplace. Often, we don't even realize how much our work life affects our personal life, but we spend eight or more hours there, five days a week, and if you commute--you can tack up to an hour on to that each way. Everyone knows they're supposed to "leave work at work" but honestly, your job is a huge part of your identity and how most of us are able to provide for ourselves and our family. Workplace stress leads to insecurity and fear of not being able to provide for your family, so in my opinion, it's impossible to truly leave work at work.

With that being said, it IS possible not to allow workplace stress to dominate the other parts of your life, essentially holding you hostage in your cubicle, office, or workstation. There are things we can do to keep our jobs in check, thereby increasing the happiness we find in other areas of our lives--which, in turn, can lessen the effect workplace stress has on us. It's one big circle and the secret is being the one in the driver's seat. Here are some common issues many of us have experienced, and ways to overcome them.

• Being underpaid - If you really feel you are underpaid but don't feel like you can do anything about it, you must change your thinking. First of all, you must think of it from the your employer's perspective, which is, "Is the service you provide to your company worth more than you're making?" Every job has a glass ceiling, after all, no one is going to pay $12 for a hamburger because that's not in the price range for what hamburgers cost. However, if "average" places charge $3.89, but yours is significantly better, people might spend $4.59 for that burger. So you should do some market research. Contact your labor board, want-ads, online employment sites such as Monster.com and Indeed.com, or ask other people you might know in your field. Then make a list of your accomplishments and ask for a meeting with your manager. Give a short but complete list all of your accomplishments and SHOW him why you deserve more money. Never ask for a raise because you can't pay your bills. That is not your boss's problem. They want to pay someone for the job that person does. If your manager says no to the raise, or not right now because "corporate is clamping down on expenses" ask what you could do to improve and ask when you can meet again to revisit the subject. If they won't commit to a date or they tell you flat out that you're maxed out, you'll need to decide if you can live with that or if it's time to start updating your resume. Never threaten to quit because you didn't get what you wanted. More often than not, your boss will agree that you shouldn't work there anymore and make it effective immediately. They're also more likely to give you a negative reference when your next future employer calls. 

• Not Enough Time to ____ - Maybe you feel like at the end of the day you don't have time to do your grocery shopping, laundry, help kids with their homework, etc. Again, this isn't really your employer's problem so make sure you're not unfairly placing blame there. Why does that matter? If you blame your job for not being able to bake cookies and make little crepe paper mailboxes for your 7 year old's Valentine's Day party at their school, you're more likely to walk around with a chip on your shoulder and your boss will notice and probably bring it up when you ask for that raise you wanted. Instead, consider getting a personal day planner or use one from the internet (if you use a smart phone check iTunes app store or Google Play for Android there's many cheap or free ones to choose from); find one that allows you to schedule out individual days by the hour. Now, create a daily schedule for yourself--from wake up to sleep time. It might look something like the one shown here. It might seem silly at first. But what this does is put YOU in control of your time. You'll be able to manage the time you have better and be more efficient. After doing this for one month, if you still feel like you can't fit your life around your job, consider talking to your boss about changing your schedule. Would it be possible to work 4 days instead of 5? Work from home one day a week? How about working on a Saturday and taking Friday off? Can your spouse or partner share dinner or grocery shopping duties? If you don't have a spouse or partner, what about your parents? Siblings? Friends? Church members? Could you cut back on some expenditures in order to hire someone to help with housework or cooking? Doing your own nails or coloring your hair at home every-other-time could pay for a cleaning person once a week. You might have to get creative but there are ways to make the most of your time. You'll have less headaches and stomach issues if you're not always running to the next thing. 

Tomorrow, we'll look at some other common workplace woes, and find out what you can do about them. 

Brightest Blessings,

             Jenifer

Have a question or problem you need help with? Fill out the "Contact Me" section on the left, or leave a comment down below. 

Welcome to Your Best U!

Welcome! I'm so glad you're here. Have you ever felt like you're stuck in one place? Or do you feel like you're missing a piece of your happiness puzzle? Have you recently experienced a life event, such as divorce, illness, loss of job, or loss of a loved one and you're feeling a bit lost? Perhaps you know what you want or need in your life, but you don't know where to start to work toward it. If you answered "Yes" to any of these questions,  you have come to the right place. Be Your Best U is more than just a blog. We're a community, a gathering place, where people can ask questions, support each other, and learn how to become the person that is already within them, they just haven't found the way to discover them yet. Be Your Best U is Higher Education for Your Soul.

I welcome your questions, discussion topic ideas, and stories of success and motivation. I'm also available for private life coaching sessions by email, phone, Skype, or in the Greater Los Angeles area in person. For the remainder of 2014, I'm offering six complimentary sessions of coaching by phone or Skype, with no obligation other than referring your friends or family members you think might benefit as well. For clients that take advantage of this special offer, you will receive a discounted rate on all future sessions.

I look forward to sharing your journey of becoming Your Best U!

Brightest Blessings,

Jenifer

Have a question or problem you need help with? Fill out the "Contact Me" section on the left, or leave a comment down below.