Reduce Emotional Clutter to lower anxiety

Yesterday, I talked about how toxic people at your workplace really affect your overall emotional health. But, what if the toxic person you have to co-exist with is closer to home? It could be a sibling, friend, child, parent, spouse or significant other, or--(Gasp!) you. This presents a more challenging conundrum because your home is supposed to be your sanctuary. The place you can seek refuge when the harsh realities of the world have knocked you down.

How do you know if someone in your life is toxic? Well, this is probably different for everyone, but for me, I look at how I feel after spending time with that person. Am I agitated? Mentally exhausted? Am I already thinking of excuses to get out of spending time with them tomorrow? But, how do you go about ridding your self of the emotional clutter that results from being around a toxic person? You obviously care about that person. You don't want to hurt their feelings. This needs to be addressed delicately, no doubt, but addressed none the less. Most people have a very hard time accepting criticism (I know I do) but you have a right to speak up and whether or not they can accept it is their decision, not yours. How do we do this?

• I strongly believe that it is better to be direct with someone rather than placating them by wrapping your criticism up in flowers. It doesn't change the meaning of what you're saying, but it does imply that you've already judged how they will handle it and the answer is "poorly". So the first thing to do is, simply make a request. "Would you mind if we talk about something else? I'm not really comfortable getting into all of that." It might take them by surprise but at least it's out there. 
• If the toxic person is poisoning their own life as well as yours, you might have to be a little more tactful and assertive. If you have a friend who is in a verbally abusive relationship, but refuses to leave the guy, or maybe your best friend is trapped in a dead end job but after months of complaining hasn't even updated her resume, it can be downright maddening. In this case, you are a co-dependent and it is essential that you break that cycle immediately. Try something like, "Lori, I care about you so much, and I think you know that I think you deserve someone so much better than Frank. I've told you that if you leave him, you could stay with me and I would help you any way I can. But, you're an adult and can make your own decisions. However, I must insist that if you choose to stay, we just can't talk about him anymore because it just hurts me too much. We can talk about anything else, just not that." If you think her partner is or could possibly turn to physical violence, you must let your friend know that if there is physical violence then you will have no choice but to call the police. And make good on that promise if necessary. You might lose her friendship but save her life. 
• What if the toxic person is "moi"?? How do you know if you are toxic to yourself and sabotaging your own happiness? Well, I have found that one way is to take an inventory. Does it seem like EVERYONE and EVERYTHING around you is unfair, against you, or does it seem like you can never catch a break? If so, you might have to admit that there is one common denominator and that's you. Holding grudges, keeping "score" with someone else, being judgmental or gossipy,  and being too hard on yourself (okay, so you had a little too much to drink at your cousin's wedding and ended up pole dancing on the arbor, it will be forgotten by Christmas) are all ways that we are toxic to ourselves. These things muck up the pathways for positive energy to flow in or out. Instead, let go of a mistake you made yesterday. Just learn from it and move forward. For instance, you can start exercising tomorrow. So, all the ladies in your department went out to dinner and didn't invite you; does it mean they hate you? Probably not. Get over it. Your husband forgot that he promised to come home early enough to watch the kids so you could make your 4:00 hair appointment. Is it because he is insecure and doesn't want you getting too beautiful because you might cheat on him? (Really??) Do you now freeze him out for the next 5 days? Who "wins" if that happens? No one. Let it go. 

Removing toxic people from our lives is only one way to get rid of the emotional clutter in your life. Explore other areas of your life to determine which ones might be filling up with emotional clutter. Then it will be time to "clean house". You'll end up with less stress, less anxiety, and feeling like a huge weight is taken off your shoulders. 

What are some areas of your life where you're building up emotional clutter? How do you reduce it? Put your answer in the comments below. 

Brightest Blessings, 

Jenifer

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